windows & doors

friends, lovers or nothing

2009-11-19T04:39:07Z

My dreams of the past few nights have been very succinct, very focused to a certain time and place...with a certain feeling about them which makes me clearly recall what they were like in the first place. Of course, there was the new "dream-like" element thrown in, which added a bit of storyline and characterization, but apart from that, the settings were something all to familiar to me. Even though there were subtle plots and whatnot, the main emphasis of each dream was the setting, and the time and the place, and that was really all that remained with me once I woke up, aside from a few shadows here and there.

The dream from the night before last was one from my college days at Mizzou. The plot was that I was part of some sort of "secret society" of caretakers that oversaw the campus. But the time and place were of most importance...it being the mysterious and dark atmosphere of the old Heidelberg Tavern. Not the new rebuilt one mind you, but the original, before it burned down. This is the one that I remember visiting only once when I was actually going to school there, but I do recall that it left an impression on me since it was a place that my own parents had frequented quite a bit when they themselves were going to school. So in this dream our lot of "caretakers" or whatever we were met in some kind of back room at the Heidelberg and we smoked cigarettes and wore fedoras like we were mobsters or something. Like I said, it had a strange feel to it.

Last night's dream was set in Edinburgh, Scotland, the same town that I had visited with Josh D. when I got back to the states post-Korea...although this time there was more of a regal, medieval feel to it, with a surplus of balconies and fleur-de-lis. Even so, the outline of High Street and Princes Street where clearly apparent in the background. In the dream I remember looking up the street and seeing a flood of water rushing at me, and then climbing up one of the balconies to save myself from drowning. It was weird to say the least.

Anyway, tonight, since I am still battling this evil cold, I have done nothing but download and listen to music. It's a waste of a Wednesday, but a much needed one at that. I'd say the dreams are probably a side effect of the Dayquil I've been taking to cure myself.

Also, this will be my last update on LiveJournal. I'll continue my OD journal, but for now LJ just seems rather redundant, if not entirely unnecessary.

And now, off to bed...

this isn't our song, this isn't even a musical

2009-10-30T14:11:36Z

Being the ex-Phantom fan that I am (though it still holds a special place in my heart), I find this particularly offensive...especially since the book he's basing this on absolutely SUCKED. I mean, really...a Phantom sequel? GET REAL.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20091009/stage_nm/us_stage_phantom

So, in short, this is pretty much my feeling regarding this wayward musical:

let's have a drink of beer

2009-10-23T19:34:14Z

This is so cute, I can't even stand it!!!

And I spent a lot of time doing just that while I was there...lol.

months rhapsody

2009-10-20T23:41:36Z

A side project of mine...to find songs about all the months of the year (and to make a nice CD compilation)! Alas, I can find no song about March. Any ideas???

January, The Paper Raincoat
February Stars, Foo Fighters

April Showers, Caedmon's Call
Wordless May, Venus Hum
Seven Days in Sunny June, Jamiroquai
July, The Innocence Mission
August, Rilo Kiley
Pale September, Fiona Apple
October, Collapsis
November, Duncan Sheik
Forget December, Something Corporate

There are a lot more than that, but these are my favs of the ones I have. Of course I'll take suggestions for any others.

And this definitely deserves an honorable mention:

hey everybody!

2009-10-15T19:34:52Z

This is just because I've gotten A's on all of the first three tests in my Microbiology class.

And also because I am awesome.

That is all.

enma ai

2009-10-10T17:38:25Z

Costume checklist:

black sailor fuku with red tie, check
long black wig, check
black textured knee highs, check
black buddhist bracelet with bells, check
black straw doll, check
red contact lenses, check
black schoolgirl shoes, check

The shoes are my fav. Very reminiscent of what I used to wear back in gradeschool:

This costume is gonna be badass. I still need to get some black eye makeup, but aside from that, I'm done!

money makes the world go 'round

2009-10-08T03:41:42Z

Much good news today in the wonderful world of my nursing career. I went to speak with one of those "financial aid counselors" at BJCON. He basically told me that I'll be getting at least $12500 from FAFSA per year for school, which, added to my BJC $4500 tuition reimbursement, should hold me until about fall of next year. At that point I may need to take out a private loan to cover a deficit of about $8000 that I'll need for the fall semester, but only if I don't get any scholarships or anything to make up for it...which I do plan on doing in full force. There's three scholarships that I've got my eye on right now, and any conbination of those should be enough to put me through to the end of the year. The year following I'll be getting the other $12500 in addition to that year's $4500 which should be more than enough to get me to graduation.

So now that the financial aspect is accounted for, I really only need to worry about how I'm going to possibly work full-time during the day and take classes full-time in the evening. But...I'm a smart gal and I think I should do just fine with only negligible studying. Granted I still won't have a life of any kind while in the program, but that is something I am willing to sacrifice to this much greater cause. Oh! Also, I found out that this "two year program" that I'm in isn't even two years at all; I'll actually be graduating in August of 2011...which seems a lot sooner than what I had previously thought, January 2012. So yay for that.

I've already done all their fun shots and the drug test these past two weeks and so now really the only thing I have left is the obligatory CPR class and purchasing my books once they've enrolled me in classes. Orientation is on January 8th and I start classes on January 11th.

What I want to know though is how I got to this point so quickly. It seems like it was only yesterday that I was starting my pre-reqs and knew I'd have another year and a half before I actually began nursing school. But now it's here already and I'm kinda freaking out a bit. It's a good kinda freaking out though, the kind that give you shivers when you think about it.

So yeah, I feel better about the whole thing after today. One less thing to worry about.

In other news, I think I finally have my Halloween costume picked out...and it is fantabulous. I am going as the infamous anime character Enma Ai from Hell Girl (aka Jigoku Shoujo):

So, of course, Josh will be going as my comic double, Hell Boy:

Leave it to me to get in one last time of dressing up in a sailor fuku before I become an adult forever. It was bound to happen, anyway. Now all I need to do is find red contacts for my eyes and a long black wig. Awesome.

everything has changed

2009-10-07T14:50:17Z

putting all the vegetables away
that you bought at the grocery store today
and it goes fast, you think of the past

suddenly everything has changed

driving home the sky accelerates
and the clouds all form a geometric shape
then it goes fast, you think of the past

suddenly everything has changed

putting all the clothes you washed away
and as you're folding up the shirts you hesitate
then it goes fast, you think of the past

suddenly everything has changed

**********

because it's a death cab kinda morning...

and where were you?

2009-09-29T04:43:41Z

What comes of a night of some moderate drinking...

But it's a good song in the context of the episode. Ominous and dark...enhancing the theme so perfectly.

Alone.

	Angie Hart - Blue.mp3

	Found at bee mp3 search engine

shameless plug

2009-09-22T14:12:45Z

Go eat out tonight for a good cause!

all eyes are...

2009-09-11T12:28:56Z

So something happened last night, something I am not at all pleased about, because it makes me think that maybe I'm not as "put together" as I previously thought I was. It's such a shame really. I thought I was getting there, I thought I was making it...or something. And now this. It's upsetting, and embarrassing and infuriating all at the same time.

Maybe it's just that time of the year again; I guess it's a culmination really...always at this time of the year, always weighing heavy on my mind. I thought that this year was going to be better, because it felt better; it didn't feel like the coming months and the coming cold would be that much of an issue for me this time around. But now this. This year, it's an issue for entirely different reason. But how to rectify the situation? Maybe it can't be done this time.

I'm rather glad that I'm going out of town this weekend. It'll give me time to get away from this, to get my bearings and to return with a fresh take on things. I just need some time away.

I just don't want to screw this up.

All eyes are...

cleveland town everyone

2009-09-11T00:02:28Z

Had this passed to me from a co-worker.
Kinda funny...I guess.

I also saw a praying mantis in my bathroom this morning, just chillin out. It really freaked me out though so I scooted him out the window asap. Check it.

Apparently they are good luck though? Maybe I should go out tonight...or something.

let us revisit the past

2009-09-02T14:04:04Z

This does not make me a happy camper. I guess I best go find me a comfortable and warm coat to wear for the winter. I really can't believe it's September already. ::sigh::

Today, and this week in general, has actually been pretty decent thus far. At work much much much has been taken off my plate so that, now, I actually have the time to do my real job, as opposed to a bunch of stupid projects and such that don't even have anything to do with Recruitment. Umm...we also had yet another person quit in the last week. That makes three people in the last month and like eight people in the last year...and we only have like twenty people in our department. A conspiracy? I think so. And since things really have gotten so crazy here lately, I am seriously starting to consider quitting my current job and going part-time in something else here at the hospital, because I'm almost positive that my insane boss won't let me alter my current hours all that much to accommodate my new class schedule come January. Well, I guess we'll see how that goes. I'm both super excited and terrified at the same time. What an odd feeling...

Anyway, after today I will have the next five days off work. Tomorrow Josh and I will be headed to Kirksville for a day of reminiscence...and I can't even begin to describe how strangely excited I am about revisiting my old Truman stomping grounds. Why I am so excited? I have no idea really. Friday I will be cleaning my car & apartment, and then I have a promo to work in the evening. Saturday I would like to go to the Japanese Festival and Sunday I'm planning brunch with some friends. Monday is yet to be determined. All in all, it's going to be a good weekend. Next weekend I will be headed to Dallas for my new nephew's baptism...not too sure how keen I am about flying on September 11th...kinda weirded out actually. But I'm sure everything will be fine.

My current class is going swimmingly, though I am not so much liking that my professor has chosen to ignore the last ten years of advancements in classroom technology, opting instead to use old, not-so-easy-to-read overheads (yes, that's right; I said overheads). She also doesn't really follow along with the book in any manner that a typical student might comprehend. So yeah, no notes, bad overheads and a complete lack of organization...yay! But apparently a girl who was failing out of my A&P class from last semester got an A in her Micro class last year with the same teacher I am taking now...so I guess she can't be all that bad.

Last night were auditions for Mary Magdalen's Beauty & the Beast. I wasn't able to go for one reason or another, but I did email the director asking if I could still be in the show since I'd done St. Gabe's shows the last two years. She said that was fine...so it looks like I will be able to squeeze in one more show before I have to take a hiatus for the next two years due to nursing school. Should be fun though since a bunch of people from St. Gabe's will also be in this production. I was going to try out for that Feather Duster character, but figured I wouldn't have the time what with classes and all. Oh well, maybe I'll get to be a plate or something.

Alright, gotta go stuff some envelopes. Fun fun.

so don't think of yesterday...it's here and now

2009-08-31T03:01:17Z

So...at this very moment Simon is on his way over to Korea. His flight left earlier today, so I'd say that maybe he's flying over Alaska right about now. Lucky bastard. I told him to shoot me an email when he got there to let me know he's alright...well, ya know, cause he's my friend and all.

Anyway, good luck to him and this awesome endeavor. I'm sure he'll do great.

Unrelated, I will be taking a short vacation later this week. On Thursday Josh and I are roadtripping up to Kirksville for the day, for nostalgic purposes and whatnot. I'm not sure how much fun for him it will be, but he wants to go so I guess he's cool with it. Eh, maybe we can go to Too Talls Two together and have a beer or something. Also this weekend is the Japanese Festival at the Botanical Gardens. I'm hoping to go to that maybe on Saturday. We'll see...

And now, sleep.

little bird, where have you gone?

2009-08-21T13:07:06Z

Last night while I was out blading I went a little further than I normally would, simply because it's been quite a while since I bladed, about a week in fact, so I thought I could use the extra exercise. When I got to the crosswalk at Green Park Rd and Union I turned around to skate back to my car when I noticed something that kinda looked like a leaf on the trail...but the leaf appeared to be moving. When I bent down to see what it was I discovered that it was a baby bird, much smaller than any I'd seen before, probably some kind of finch. I picked it up off the ground, lest it get squished by some careless biker, and held it for a few minutes trying to decide what to do with it. It appeared that the mother was nowhere to be found and I debated whether or not I should leave it there in the grass or take it back with me and deliver it to the Humane Society. I didn't think I could possibly skate the eight or so miles back with this little bird in my hands, so I placed it there in the grass under the shade of a couple of small trees. I was just thinking of leaving it there because I thought its mother might find it and take care of it, but even so, I had my doubts. But then...Imogen's new song Little Bird came on my iPod.

Little bird, where have you gone?

With renewed energy and purpose I raced the rest of the way back to my car and took off down the highway towards where I'd left the bird. But...when I got there it was nearly dark, and despite using the spare flashlight that I keep in my car, I couldn't find it. I'm very much hoping that it's mother came back for it or that it found its way to someplace safe. In any case, I tried. I hope it's okay though.
So sad...

Little bird, little bird, little bird
How are you feeling?

On a semi-related note, I downloaded Imogen Heap's new album Ellipse yesterday (and ordered the extended cd from Amazon) and it is absolutely wonderful. I'm really feeling the last song though...talk about expository. Hmm...

another game of putting things aside

2009-08-12T03:03:47Z

So...my 30th birthday will soon be upon me...and what do I think about this very surreal turn of events? It's strange, in fact, because for some reason I never expected myself to get this far. Whether it was because of my introversion back in college or my "depression" or whatever, I never did imagine that I'd live to see thirty.

While out blading this evening a particular memory played itself out in my head as I sped along. I remember this one night my freshman year in college. Maggie and I were talking before bed with the lights out, as we often did being roommates and all. Well...this one particular night I was telling her about how I thought I had some semblance of psychic ability, however strange that might have sounded to her (though I always felt this was somewhat true even so), and I told her about how I could just sense where everyone's lives were going to take them. I could see all of them having a future, but I could never feel that same thing for myself. There was always just an absence there, nothing tangible that I could grasp. At the time I thought this was because I'd probably die at an early age or something...but now I think it's just that I was always so confused and mixed up that I really couldn't picture anything more for myself than where I was at present. Granted, there's still more than a month left until my birthday, but even now I can't help but feel that strange sense that I've somehow beaten the odds, escaped some lethal fate that apparently was to befall me by now. It's surprising to me, however unfounded that feeling may be.

So here I am tonight, feeling pensive and a bit connected to where I was before, that night spent telling Maggie about my absence of a future. And I remember listening to the above song as I fell asleep afterwards. Seems like I listened to that song a lot my freshman year. I guess it just fit.

Well, only 40 more days to go...

you will exhale cinnamon clouds

2009-08-06T01:33:43Z

So here's what's been going on as of late...

-went to see Greg Laswell show at the Duck Room last week. superbly brilliant, and even better than the last time I went.
-went to see Toad the Wet Sprocket at the Pageant, also last week. again, inherently wonderful...and a complete and total flashback to my freshman year in college. needless to say, I will be taking that road trip to Truman sooner rather than later, probably as soon as classes start up again.
-Josh and I broke up, then got back together, then broke up, then got back together. our relationship is like our own little mini-drama. this Friday we're going back to Square One Brewery, the scene of our first date, after which we'll be heading over to Bailey's Chocolate Bar for some late night chocolate fun.
-I rode on the back of a motorcycle for the first time. I was pleasantly surprised at how enjoyable, and not at all scary, it was.
-I got an A in my summer English Comp II class. that's another A baby...4.0 yet again! booyah!
-this past weekend I spent a relaxing time at Dave's family farm. I actually ended up sleeping much of the time, but it was still definitely an awesome time.
-I've officially gained a spot in the January 2010 class at Barnes-Jewish College of Nursing...that's like five months away. OMG.
-I'm thinking about moving to a different apartment when my lease is up in November. not sure yet, just a thought.
-I found out that Imogen Heap has a new album coming out at the end of this month...heard the first single from it today, and it is AWESOME.

And now I am off to PJ's to eat, drink and be merry.

The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you.

2009-07-24T03:13:46Z

Tonight for my College Composition class I wrote a paper evaluating one of my favorite movies, Lost in Translation. Not four hours later when I was finished writing that and the pre-writing exercises, I put in the DVD and watched it for what probably has to be about the 20th time. You see, in essence it's a movie that I can relate to very easily because I have been there, I have had that experience and I've been privy to every emotion that its characters feel throughout the film. I know. Although my surroundings were not those of downtown Tokyo, but instead downtown Seoul, the two are very similar in obvious comparison to the US. I know.

It's amazing to me that I still feel such a draw to go back there, really amazing. You'd think by now I'd have detached myself from that strange world of kimchi and norae-bangs, of hanguk and hanbok. But still, it's here. I guess it's worse because Simon is actually leaving in about a month to go there himself. He'll be teaching at a public school in a small town about an hour and a half away from Seoul...and wow, am I ever jealous. I know it's not practical or feasible for me to be going there any time soon, but if I have my way and if I can somehow crunch it financially I would really really like to take a trip there after I graduate from nursing school in 2012. Chances are my friend Dan will still be there and I could probably stay with him.

In any case, every time I see that movie I feel that urge to return to Seoul, to that place where I spent fourteen months of my life. Such a short time really, and yet it made such a significant impact on who I am.

I had more thoughts, but right now I can't put them into words. Maybe another night.

fritterin'

2009-07-17T12:35:30Z

Tonight is opening night for The Music Man at St. Gabe's! I must say, though I'm going to miss working on the show with everyone it will be nice to get some rest for once, because I am seriously lacking where sleep is concerned. I think I've been averaging about 5 hours a night...not good, not good. But tomorrow I have nothing going on, so after the cast party tonight I'll be sleeping late tomorrow morning, then probably rollerblading and relaxing in the afternoon before I have to be at the school for call.

This morning it feels weird outside...colder than usual or something, not the norm for this time of year. It felt good on the skin, but not on the mind because it seemed like a reminder that fall's just around the corner. And fall, well, that brings its own set of problems.

I keep wondering what's going to happen, but for the life of me I can't even begin to sort this all out. It's a lot to consider...

You pile up enough tomorrows, and you'll find you are left with nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays. I don't know about you, but I'd like to make today worth remembering.

you oughtta know

2009-07-12T14:59:54Z

So there's this one book I bought many years ago from the dollar table at a public library. I've only ever skimmed through it when I first bought it, but just yesterday took it off of my bookshelf to use during the library scene in the show I'm doing at St. Gabe's. The book itself is titled What a Young Woman Ought to Know and was published in 1905. Needless to say, it has a lot of laughable information about how a woman should behave and care for herself and even gives advice about the proper course of engagements and marriage.

While thumbing through it this morning I found a handwritten note on one of the last pages (scrawled from an old-fashioned ink pen no doubt) that read:

Where friendship full exerts her softest power,
Perfect desire enlivened by ineffable, and sympathy of soul:
Thought meeting thought, and will preventing will,
With boundless confidence;
For naught but love can answer love,
and render bliss secure.

-- Thomson

Apparently it's from a poem called "The Seasons" by James Thomson, written in 1876. Interesting.

it's to dying in another's arms, and why i had to try it

2009-07-12T04:21:14Z

I swear, if ever I do get married, this song will be played at my wedding.

you were born together
and together ye shall be forever
until death could scatter
shouldn't matter in the memory of god above
let the wind of heaven dance between you too
allowing time and space to bring you closer to everlasting love
so what should you do if god moves through you

when love beckons
its ways are often hard and steep
and his wings unfold
ye yield to all that it speaks
though a sword it might be hidden there among the pinions
oh you may wear a wound that truly spoke to you
believe in all that voice and follow through
so what should you do when god moves through you

love possesses nothing
nor would it ever be possessed
love is love sufficient unto love
and you can figure out the rest

god rests in reason
so what should you do, oh oh
when god moves through you

well your children will not be your children
maybe the daughter, the son of a beginning
they'll come through your womb but not be coming from you
they will be with you, but they do not belong to you
you can give them your love but not your thoughts
cause they'll arrive with their own hearts
they're the coming of angels this blessed season
and then they'll sing oh yea god rests in reason
god rests in reason
so what should you do
when god moves through you

and think not you can direct the course of
love itself directs the course of love
believe not god is in your heart, child
but rather you're in the heart of god

so you see so far i'm all right
pleasant and awkwardly polite
watching carefully the comedy
the tick tock moments of the grid lock day
and why i'm singing
about the fact that i'm giving up everything
and giving back to the people that made me want to change
my evil, lazy ways
i'm gonna give you one more phrase to explain

see i believe in only one thing
i believe in good orderly d-i-r-e-c-t-i-o-n
i'll spell it again, roll it with abbreviation
easy as a 1,2,3
spell it backwards it's a d-o-g
cause it's a dog eat dog world
what a life girl, maybe you should make you my wife girl
and i believe in omni possibility
it's nothing more than good orderly direction
nothing more than good orderly direction
nothing more than good orderly direction
this is nothing more than good orderly direction
so what should you do when god moves through you
what should you do when god moves
through you

--god rests in reason, by jason mraz

only by contrast

2009-07-09T04:14:02Z

Bleh. I talked to my best friend from Korea online tonight. I get such pangs when I talk to her and hear about all of the adventures she's still having over there. And it doesn't help that I actually dreamed about Korea AGAIN last night. This is getting to be a regular thing for me. Maybe it's a sign?

Or maybe I'm just getting bored and antsy with my current situation.
Things really would be so much simpler if I just chucked all this and headed back there. Really they would.

And I really HATE having to write this stupid paper for my College Comp class that's due tomorrow night. I REALLY hate writing papers!!
::sigh::

hairline fractures

2009-06-19T16:50:10Z

I must say, thank god that there's the Crawl for Cancer this weekend. I am definitely needing four straight hours of bar hopping after the week I've had...and it was a bad one too. I just feel so much like giving up at the moment. What's the point really? Square one yet again...

Things just never seem to work out the way I want them to, even when I try my hardest to make sure everything goes the way it should. I'm always too late or too early, or in the wrong place at the wrong time, always a victim of perpetual bad luck. It's all just bad timing I guess.

And there's no one to talk to really. Yes, Maggie has sort of reached out to me in the past week, but I still don't feel that that relationship is what it should be (though maybe getting better?). Other than her, I'm out...and now, there really is no one. Last night, I got this odd sense of pained satisfaction, that thought that I'm back where I was before, some sad state of loneliness...but it gave me peace, because being that lonely and on my own all the time, it's a familiar feeling, it's what I know. It's almost like home. It's not a good thing; I haven't felt like that for a long, long, very long time.

So anyway, tonight I'm going to go out and try to be among others, try to distract myself from all of this. Tomorrow I will be drinking the day away with everyone else at the Crawl. I think there was also something going on tomorrow night too, probably recovering from all the alcohol. Hopefully I'll feel better after all is said and done.

Hopefully.

to choose between what you lack and what you excuse

2009-06-16T06:04:04Z

I was just going to call it a night and go to bed, but then I downed an entire cup of coffee about five minutes ago so that idea's clearly out the window. Why? Who knows...aside from the fact that maybe I feel like staying up late tonight. Maybe I feel like saying screw work and I don't really care that I'm going to be regretting this and falling over from exhaustion tomorrow morning. I simply don't care. It's one of those nights...one of those long, introspective nights that really gets you thinking about the past, the present and the culmination of them into the future. These past couple of days have been very odd indeed, stranger than I would have thought they could be given the circumstances. A few weeks ago everything was peachy, just your typical sun-shiny cloudless sky of hope and possibility...and then after that some clouds came and some cynicism and then after even more of that some pacifism and regrettable complacency. A full circle of nothing in particular, but enough to advance me to my present state...one where I find myself sitting here waiting for the future to arrive, though I thought the future should have been here by now since I will in fact be turning thirty in just a few short months.

I remember being in my early twenties thinking that thirty seemed so old...such a long time from where I was at the moment. By thirty I was really supposed to hit my stride, I was supposed to bloom into adulthood and no longer suffer the inconveniences of my youth...things like not having enough money to make ends meet, or the frustration of bad dates or even the pettiness of friends who haven't seemed to mature at all since high school. It feels like we're all just stuck in a perpetual state of flux, caught in some strange time loop between our younger selves and our adult selves, but none of us can ever quite seem to get to that next level. How is that so many people achieve this? How is it others make this look so simple? Maybe we're all just part of some dysfunctional generation of children who never really had to try at anything, and so we expect everything to be given to us. Why work hard for something when you'd be just as complacently happy doing nothing at all? And, sure, my life is "okay" right now, but I can't see it staying this way forever, nor would I want it to. After awhile even this, like anything else, will become monotonous and repetitive...and change will inevitably be the only way out.

And, yes, I am making changes...but even I can do only so much on my own. That's just the way it is. There has to be something more than this though, something more than this life, these people, this job, this town. I'm just so sick of it all.

what you want
you don't know
you're with stupid now

and try to write it down into a perfect sonnet...or one foolish line

2009-06-12T03:54:31Z

So I had this writing assignment to do tonight for my College Comp II class. Basically I was supposed to write about how, what and why I write...pretty all-encompassing if you ask me. I didn't feel much like actually answering those questions (since I thought it rather redundant considering the amount of writing I do on a regular basis), choosing instead to pull an old journal entry of mine from a few years ago. I gave a brief intro about the entry, summarized why I thought it applied and cut and pasted the rest. All in all, it's one of my favorites...really, and I think, even back then, that is really does capture the essence of why I've kept a journal all these years and why I always get the urge or need to write, even though some others might think this behavior to be somewhat odd or foolish even. For me, writing is therapy. It's my outlet and it really does serve to help me work out my many issues and thoughts about life. Essentially, writing is my drug of choice.

"Writing is orgasmic. The paradox of writing kills me. You can READ something which can make you depressed and literally change your blood chemistry all around, and then if you know how, you can fix it by WRITING something, a secret the makers of Prozac don't want you to know."
-- from the website, But Sleep Won't Come (sadly enough, this is no longer a working site)

days not wasted

Thursday, October 09, 2003

I see the words written there on the screen; words from my past, words of my present...it's like lately everything seems to boil itself down to words, nothing but simple interconnected words. Everything I've felt, everything I have thought from my past has been recorded in this format, and most everything I feel now and into the future will be the same. So for me, all I have now is words. Everything up til now is gone, all the feelings gone, all the emotions gone, all the memories vanished and gone. It takes these words to ignite those precious moments once more, and without them I simply would not have a past to look back to.

Perhaps this is why I write so much...perhaps I'm afraid that if I don't I will inevitably lose myself to time, and forget myself in the process.

"A day is not wasted, if a memory is made..." ~Anonymous

Maybe then if I record the memories of all my days, then I won't feel that my life has been wasted, for if I have memories of each day, then I can recall every day with some significance. I won't have lived in vain, I will have had some purpose to my life, I have these memory words to look back on with which I can create my own nostalgic meaningful history.

It just scares me that everything I've ever felt and perceived about the world could be contained in something so fickle and small as a word or a sentence. What right have we to even try to put things into words anyway? Does that not take away from some of the feeling behind those words? Trying to conform a thought or a feeling to language is like trying to cage a wild animal. The moment that you imprison the animal is the moment that it loses some of its connection with what makes it wild in the first place. Domesticating such a thing only serves to break its will and detract that from which makes it so beautiful to begin with. Likewise, the moment that you try to imprison a feeling into words is the moment that that feeling loses some of its own inherent beauty. I don't want to cut down my feelings, I don't want to downplay my own emotions, but there really is no way to record them except for these words written here. ::sigh::

So now, my past reduced to words, I am forced to look back on myself with some partial blurry sense of understanding. I can only hope that the words I have chosen and will choose in the future will have been and will continue to be the best candidates to get my feelings down.

I really don't understand why I am so obsessed with words though, perhaps because these days my life seems to inevitably revolve around them...